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The Irish Whiskey Derby

Whiskey is a spirit that has a somewhat checkered history starting sometime in the 3^rd century in Greece. Though the Greeks are a culture with a long history of drunkenness and celebratory drinking through evidence of the worship of the deity Dionysus, no culture has been brought to its knees by liquor quite as much as the Irish and being that I’m a true son of Eireann we’re tackling Irish Whiskey specifically this time. So then, what about Irish whiskey, what makes it unique? First off, the work “whiskey” comes from a corruption of the base Irish word of uisce beatha which literally translates to “water of life”. Only the Irish would equate getting shitfaced to “life” so there you have it. Interestingly, there are only 3* chief whiskey distilleries in Ireland: Cooley, New Midleton in the Republic and Old Bushmills in Northern Ireland. Cooley produces Michael Collins, Tyrconnell, Connemara and some others. New Midleton produces Jameson, Redbreast, Paddy, Powers and the amazing Midleton Very rare. Old Bushmills produces… well Bushmills, duh. There are some smaller rogue distilleries that do smaller batch Irish whiskeys and some have gotten rather large and compete with the big boys (such as Tullamore Dew). It is said whiskey is the only reason the Irish haven’t taken over the world, the Blottonauts are about to find out why.

Figure 1: Would be world ruler, His Excellency – Lord Shane McGowan

The Contenders

There are 2 primary kinds of Irish whiskey, much like other whiskeys there are single malt and blends. Thinking it would be appropriate to test a whiskey from each of the major distilleries, both as blends and single malts we opted whiskeys you can often find in most bars. Putting the blends up against Midleton Very Rare or the singles against Connemara would be silly as they are completely different grades (i.e. WAY more expensive) and maybe someday we’ll get to those, but meanwhile here are your middle grade contenders:

Figure 2: 5 glasses of gold

Michael Collins Gold: A single malt from the Cooley distillery (the less shitty brother to the Michael Collins Blend which… ick)

Concannon: A single malt from the Concannon distillery (independent)

Jameson: A blend from the New Midleton distillery

Tullamore Dew: A blend from the William Grant distillery (independent)

Bushmills: A blend from the Bushmills distillery

Figure 3: Metaphoric Irish Whiskey with a beating stick – My foreshadowing sense is tingling.

For the test we set up all five whiskeys to be tasted neat, then on the rocks because it makes a difference. In addition to Seth and Rich, guest Blottonauts Julie and Lauren joined in, with Julie being sort of a “control” for this experiment as she doesn’t like whiskey. The scale we’re using based on 5 groups of drunken Irishmen. Without further ado, onto the test with Michael Collins Gold

S: I don’t know how to describe that almost scotchy smoke scent. Very robust.

R: Yes a lot of peat, almost like a scotch, some rubbing alcohol.

L: Doesn’t smell like roses. Definitely woody like a campfire, kind of pungent but good.

J: Woo! Smells like whiskey, a little woody I guess. Kind of sweet.

R: It does indeed

After the first sip

S: Tastes like it smells, very woodsy with rubbing alcohol finish.

R: How do you know what rubbing alcohol tastes? Hmm, its good, it does remind me more of a scotch almost. A little burn but not much… Pretty good really.

S: Yeah I can see the scotch comparison.

L: Wooo! Definitely strong. Kind of earthy with some wood and some burn. Pretty good.

Julie makes a face

J: Its not that bad really, I can taste the wood flavors.

Seth gave it 3 and a half out of 5, Rich gave it 4 out of 5, Lauren gave it 4 out of 5, Julie gave it 4 out of 5.

Concannon was next:

S: Wow, it burned my nose hairs. A little vanilla, less woddy, less smoke, not scotchy and less robust. More subtle.

R: Yeah doesn’t smell great, kind of like the Collins but not as… good. More nutty overtones.

L: Kind of like Off bug spray, like deet.

J: Smells like Whiskey

After the first sip

S: Pretty good actually, not as woodsy as the Collins but has some similar flavor to it.

R: Its pretty good. Tastes like a standard Irish whiskey but the single malt definitely changes the character.

L: Tastes like deet too.

Julie makes a face

J: Ooo thats harder to drink.

Seth gave it 4 out of 5, Rich gave it 4 out of 5. Lauren gave it 2 out of 5 and Julie gave it 1 out of 5.

Now finished with the single malts, onto the blends:

Jameson was up first:

S: Yep, smells like Jameson

R: Ditto. I’m not a big fan of Jameson really.

L: I think it smells pretty good, very whiskey like, but it has some complexity to it. Kind of cinnamon.

R: I guess.

J: Smells like whiskey, but a bit more toxic.

After the first sip

S: Mmm, pretty good, a slight hint of vanilla… Not as much burn as I was expecting not as much flavor either.

R: Yeah that was better than I remember. Probably because I just down them quick at bars, but sipping it is pretty pleasant. A bit of heat on the end.

L: Its good, but a lot more fire. All I can taste now is the fire. It tastes like burning.

Julie makes a face

J: Tastes like the other stuff.

Seth gave it 3 out of 5, Rich gave it 3 out of 5, Lauren gave it 3 out of 5 and Julie gave it 3 out of 5.

Tullamore Dew:

S: Darker, but smells of fire retardent, disinfectant maybe… Hand sanitizer

R: Seth’s right.

L: The men are wrong, it smells good!

J: They all kind of smell the same.

After the first sip

S: Smokey, lots of finishing heat.

R: Smooth with a hint of caramel. Heat on the back end, not bad.

L: Full flavored, really complex. Some burning though, quite a bit.

Julie makes a serious face

J: Burns more in the back of your throat. Numbs the tongue.

R: But was it good?

J: Eh…

Seth gave it 3 out of 5, Rich gave it 4 out of 5, Lauren gave it a 3 and a half out of 5, Julie gave it 2 out of 5.

Bushmills:

S: Ah yes, I like Bushmills. Kind of sweet with honey

R: Kind of like the Jameson, but a bit more sour maybe.

L: I don’t know, it smells a little different. Kind of sweeter. Definitely honey

J: Smells like whiskey only on fire.

After the first sip

S: Fire fire everywhere! Once the burning stops, its got a woody finish. Its good.

R: Definitely different, maybe a little more sweetness. Very burny.

L: Yes fire everywhere. Not a lot of flavor though, kind of bland.

J: VERY fiery.

Seth gave it 3 and a half out of 5, Rich gave it 2 and a half out of 5, Lauren gave it 2 out of 5, Julie gave it 3 out of 5.

Our next test was to add ice to each whiskey. Logically, it shouldn’t make THAT much of a difference unless it melts too much, but our findings proved otherwise. By the way, only Rich and Seth did this test as we were all starting to get a bit hammered.

Michael Collins Gold Rocks:

S: Ah thats just right.

R: You know… It tastes… Well kind of the exact same.

Seth gave it a 4, Rich gave it 4.

Concannon Rocks:

S: Huh. I taste feet.

R: Yeah feet. Why do we know what feet taste like?

Seth gave it a 2 and Rich gave it 2 out of 5.

Jameson Rocks:

S: There you go. Very smooth, very good character. The ice enhances rather than distracts.

R: Its funny, I’ve never liked Jameson, I don’t really know why. I guess its because I was ordering it wrong.

Seth and Rich both gave it a 4 out of 5.

Tullymore Dew Rocks:

S: Mmm, this is a good test.

R: what on the rocks?

S: No, just choosing to drink Irish Whiskey as “research”. Good idea.

R: Do you like the Tully?

S: Huh? Oh yes. Its good.

R: This is the way Irish whiskey should taste when besmirched with ice.

S: Besmirched?

Seth gave it a 4 and Rich gave it 4 out of 5.

Bushmills Rocks:

S: How is it that cold water doesn’t calm the fire down?

R: You may be on to something… Its not as good as when I order it in bars.

Seth gave it a 3 and Rich gave it 3 out of 5.

Summary

Ultimately, unlike the rum shoot out, it turns out the masses are largely right: Jameson is a very good Irish whiskey and not a bad way to get to Bacchus’ Plateau. Overall, it seems we preferred the Michael Collins Gold and the Tullymore Dew, but really they were all pretty good, just different. All told, there were no bad contenders but it would also be hard to call any of them great. None of them are Midleton Very Rare or Jameson 12 year but they don’t aspire to be either. So if getting a good blotto on with no frills beverages but with good taste that you won’t just slam to get it over with, the Blottonauts can recommend any of the Irish whiskeys listed here. Just pick the one that’s on special at the bar.

It’s usually Jameson

The one thing that was definitely learned, was that the more you drank, the less you cared about what it was. We had attempted a blind taste test, but Rich just started doling out ‘4s’ once the inebriation hit and seriously, it could have been Clan McGregor or some equally swilly whiskey and it would have been fine (seriously though, thats like 15 drinks by the blind test). Seth was equally not great at identification after the initial 10 drinks. At any rate, as was suspected, our world taking over prowess was seriously compromised. World, you may thank Ireland for that now.

Thank you Ireland

The Rum Shootout

Rum is a spirit with origins in Brazil around the early 1600’s. Originally called rumbullion (slang for “uproarious”) and shortened to “rum” when uneducated sailors and pirates couldn’t spell the full word so shortened it for ease of identification on barrels. Rum is made from molasses, the kind of gross brown stuff that’s leftover from refining sugar cane into sugar, by fermentation and then distilling. Though originating in Brazil, it was during the golden age of piracy (mid to late 1600’s) in the Carribean that rum became a part of the world culture and has remained ever since. Rum is universally regarded as a wicked spirit and has been the cause of many conflicts since its genesis, from a standard fare bar fight to even playing a role in starting the American revolution! It has also been the drink of kings, presidents and other typical drunks evidenced none other than George Washington himself insisted that a barrel of rum be available at his inauguration. So obviously it would have to be the first spirit tested by the Blottonauts.

Figure 1: The Father of America getting soused.

The Contenders

With 7 different kinds of rums available, doing a test across all grades would be difficult at best so we settled on gold rums. Not only are these closer to classic rum of antiquity in terms of style and taste, they are generally middle grade and can be found in most bars and unlike light rums, are suitable for sipping or mixing. So on to the contenders:

Bacardi Gold: A middle grade gold rum from Puerto Rico (also the best selling alcohol in the world)

Flor de Cana: A middle grade gold rum from Nicaragua

10 Cane: A premium grade light rum from Trinidad (though 10 Cane calls it a light rum, it is in fact a gold)

For the test we set up all three rums to be tasted neat, in our classiest of shot glasses

Figure 2: Classy shot glasses

then made into mojitos using real lime juice and mint (no store bought mixers… seriously? Don’t ruin your alcohol with those). Starting with the Bacardi, we cracked the bottle open and took a cautious sniff:

S: It smells like sugarcane infused rubbing alcohol.

R: It’s kind of stinky. Maybe we should let it breathe.

After the first sip

Seth shivers

S: I don’t want to finish it.

R: That was foul. (goes in for second and final sip) Oh fuck.

Seth was generous and gave it a mojito and half. Rich gave it a single mojito out of 5.

Flor de Cana was next:

S: Smells like the Barcadi

Rich sadly agrees

R: Smells like an astringent

After the first sip

S: Not bad, a LOT smoother. You could sip it

R: I was scared but it’s really smooth. Almost thick, very full flavor

Seth gave it 3 and a half out of 5, Rich gave it 3 out of 5.

10 Cane was the final entrant:

S: Smells like sugarcane. A lot of vanilla scent.

R: Luxurious with a hint of awesome.

After the first sip

S: Yum. Woodsy taste but smooth, lots of vanilla.

R: Smooth. VERY smooth, kind of a butterscotch finish… Very buttery, no burn at all.

Seth gave it 5 out of 5, Rich gave it 4 and half because he’s a bitch.

After the sipping portion, it was time to make the mojitos using an ancient recipe from… You know what? They’re fucking mojitos, its lime juice, muddled mint and soda water with the rum.

Barcadi Mojito:

S: Meh.

R: It’s a mojito

Seth gave it 1 out of 5. Rich generously awarded it 2 out of 5, because mojitos.

Flor de Cana Mojito:

S: Quite a bit better, sharpness of the rum is less apparent. The mint has been brought out more.

R: Yum. Very smooth I could drink these all day.

Seth gave it 3 out of 5 because now he’s being overly critical. Rich gave it 4, it was damn good.

10 Cane Mojito:

S: More like a mojito. Very balanced, no flavor over power the others.

R: Oh yeah, all kinds of flavor, you taste the rum, but you’re happy.

Seth and Rich both gave it 4 out of 5.

Our final test was a mojito blind taste test where we didn’t have preconceived ideas about the rum and just gave our feelings about what we were drinking. Plus it was an excuse to drink more mojitos. The scores on the blind taste tests were as follows:

Barcadi Mojito Blind:

Seth gave it 2 and a half out of 5. A big jump from 1. Rich held on at 2. I think Seth was just getting drunker. Rich guessed the Barcadi accurately, Seth did not.

Flor de Cana Mojito Blind:

Seth gave it a stunning 4 and a half out of 5 where as Rich stayed at 4. Seth really felt that the rum was much more neutral and that it was just an overall better mojito. Rich agreed it was stellar. Seth guessed this one correctly Rich did not.

10 Cane Mojito Blind:

Seth stayed at 4 out of 5, Rich gave it a 3, mostly because the apparentness of the rum really seemed to intrude on the rest of the drink. Seth guessed this one correctly, Rich did not.

Summary

We were really surprised that Bacardi was as bad as it was. Being the most popular alcohol on the planet Earth, and generally considered at least “decent” by most, it was really surprising how awful it really was. I suppose if you cover the flavor entirely up with Coke it wouldn’t matter, but damn. Flor de Cana made a great mojito and I’m confident would make other great mixed drinks, it just seemed almost transparent but while retaining some character. 10 Cane is great for sipping and would work well in any drink that you wanted a kind of vanilla/butterscotch overtone, but maybe not so great in others. So seriously, if you’re at a bar and you want a rum drink so you too can be like America’s first president or some profanity spewing pirate, pay the extra dollar for the grade above Bacardi, its definitely worth it. Unless you’re 3 sheets to the wind, then who cares, get the swill.

Figure 3: When it doesn’t matter if you order Bacardi